Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic.
It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation,
towrope, and more in an easy to carry package. Sure, there's prejudice
surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world,
everything from Lemans winning Porches to Atlas rocket use it by the
yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter
and phone booth.
Vice Grips
A.K.A. "The Mole Wrench" - Equally adapt as a wrench, hammer, pliers,
bailing wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts and
wiggle-it-till-it-falls off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox,
vice grips is the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up
beyond repair (and sometimes screw them up beyond even Vice Grip
repair!). Also used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
Spray Lubricants
A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternator, and other
squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm, repeated soakings will allow the
hull bolts of the Andrea Doria to be removed by hand. Strangely enough,
an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little plastic tube
that flies out of the nozzle and into orbit if you look at it cross eyed
(one of the 10 worst tool components of all time).
Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids
If you spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that
caromed off the petal valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner,
it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless
vegetable oil replicas just so they can use the empty tubs for parts
containers afterward (some of course chuck the butter-coloured goo
altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings or to oil stop leaks from
your front hubs). Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs
aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of
Lost Frendle Pins.
Big Rock at the Side of the Road
Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop
noisy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a
hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is
the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with
the user's maiming.
Plastic Zip Ties
After 20 years of lashing down stray hose and wiring with old bread
ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto
parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur
quality wiring from a working model of the Brazilian Rain Forest into
something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course it works both
ways. When buying a used car, subtract $100 for each zip tie.
Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver
Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiselling, lifting,
breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a large flat bladed screwdriver
particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the
tool of choice for all filters so insanely located that they can only be
removed by driving a stake in one end and out the other. If you break
the screwdriver and you will - just like Dad and your Shop teacher said
- who cares, if it has a lifetime guarantee.
Bailing Wire
Commonly known as LR muffler brackets, bailing wire holds anything
that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended
for concourse competition since it works so well you'll never need to
replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a sentimental
favourite in some circles, particularly with the MG, Triumph, and
flathead Ford set, not to mention every British motorcycle ever made.
Bonking Stick
No, not for that...
This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically
known as a Land Rover motor mount adjuster, but how often do you adjust
motor mounts? Once every decade if you're lucky. Other than medieval
combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not
unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the
bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good
bonking stick (Can also be used to adjust motor mounts in a pinch, of
course, but does a lousy job of doing it).
(This just goes to show how well Land Rover folk can count!
Want to see that odd problem from a completely different (and
possibly unwarranted) angle?
Need to break down your reluctance to apply *just this much*
extra force to that sticky bolt, but you're afraid that it
might shear off leaving you with the job of coring it out with
a "never worked, never will" broken screw extractor?
Is it necessary to convince yourself that you'll still manage
to drive that last 42 miles to the concourse competition in your
otherwise meticulously-restored 80" though one of your motor
mounts consists of 37 yards of bailing wire and a prayer? (Note:
if TWO mounts are involved, one may need to dissolve ones'
resistance further with the application of single-malt scotch).
Stuck with needing 5 quarts of oil for the Bowler because
it blew a seal 100 miles from the nearest Halfords and the
only bottles you can find have been sitting on the shelf in a
local gas station since Churchill was in office? (Note: extra
points if the owner's name is "Jed"--see above note regarding
single-malt).
Unable to deal with the fact that the final remaining, nearly
microscopic ripple in the paint on your Tickford just won't
come out no matter what buffing compound you apply?
Overwrought because the woman you were trying to impress with
your beefy, fully-equipped Series III just looked at it with
derision and said "not banged up enough," and you're thinking
that hitting the local Suicide Off-road track for some extra
dents would do the trick?
Beer's the thing!
Application:
For each stuck bolt under the size of 12mm: .5 pint.
Over 12mm: 1 pint.
If said bolts are in a highly critical and delicate area:
multiply the above by 2.
For each Lucas part involved in the problem: 2 pints.
For convincing yourself that Lucas really isn't all that bad
after all and it'd be much easier to wrap the entire damned
wiring system in Black Electrical Tape than to rewire the
whole car, even though it's tried converting to Buddhism twice
in the past month: 3 cases, plus 4 drams single malt.
For each hour spent in futile pursuit of the problem: 2 pints.
For each £20 blown on Random Parts Which You Hope Will Do The
Trick while performing the aforementioned futile pursuit: add 1
more pint and a half-dram. At £100 in parts, double the above and
hope for Divine Inspiration (known these days as "thinking outside
the box").
When one needs to spend £120 on a tool that'd do that one job
just perfectly but would never be used ever again, though you
could get by with a Big Hammer and a Tie-Rod Separator and
file out the scratches later: 4 pints.
If said procedure threatens to undo weeks of otherwise perfect
resto. work: 8 pints and 1 dram single-malt.
Recovering from the Realisation of What One Has Just Done after
the preceding procedure has gone awry: bugger the beer
and go straight for the single-malt.
Based in suggestions from members of the Land Rover Owners email lists, and others (Richard Joltes supplied #11)
